What you learn from your family and what
your family tells you can be completely opposite messages. While my family
would argue that they taught me to follow my dreams I can’t help but reflect on
their actions and subtle messages and say that all I heard was: being
passionate means that you love something and love is a bad business because it
can and probably will go away. To love is to make your self vulnerable and
being optimistic inevitably leads to disappointment; So assume the worst and
plan for your future in accordance and that means doing what will make you money.
While none of my family would agree with
this being what they have told me inadvertently; they have all contributed little bits and pieces to this message that I have
unwittingly used as my life’s guide.
“We’ll love you no matter what you choose
to do.” Is such a comforting and nice thing to say, but also leaves no room for
self-betterment. Due to the fact that I had little to no expectations growing
up I had to expect a lot from myself. As long as I didn’t wind up pregnant by
17 and doing heavy drugs everyone felt like my life was in the clear. They had
done their job (what exactly they felt they had done is beyond me but they
could all rest easier).
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| That's me as a baby and my maybe 18year old mom in the very back with my two aunts and G-pa holding me. <3 |
So here I am at 22, going to college still
living in my grandma's house with her and in a relationship that is/has been suffering to say the least. My happiness comes last in my priority book and I make everything more
difficult than it needs to be because “nothing good comes easy.” I have spent
my younger years dealing with drugs and alcohol abuse and getting myself into
trouble. Now I am faced with the dilemma of “what to do with the rest of my
life.”
These phrases and quotes are all things I
have used to set guidelines for my life and myself. I have used them to help me
because lord knows no one else is helping me. And yet I disagree with these
messages that shape my path.
What about right now? What do I want in
this very moment? How do I achieve that? What is holding me back? What do I not
want? – These are the questions that I should be using, not this pieced
together ideology society and my family has put before me.
The fact that I’m struggling with this
bothers me. I try very hard to be strong and capable and being faced with my
own glitches gives me something to pity myself about. While I strive for self-betterment
this particular glitch causes me much grief due to the fact that I feel vulnerable,
I feel like I need help, that this one just can’t be done on my own. And that,
reallllly bothers me.
I need time to reflect on these things, I
need time to take it all in, I need time to evaluate my life and my feelings
but I can’t. The push to keep going is enormous!
The push to go! Go! Go! Has made reevaluating
all things in my life very difficult, I feel like I hardly have time to let
myself not think let alone take the time to think about things that are hard
for me to deal with.
I am continually amazed at how rushed this
world is. Everything has to be fast or faster! This feeling has pushed me into
a corner where my fight or flight mode has clicked on and I really don’t care
to take on anything else difficult for some time.
All these things I’ve been doing for the
last 3 years have been difficult on some level and it’s only going to get more
difficult… while at some point that seemed ok, like an exciting and worth
while challenge, I have now reached my melting point and just want to runaway
from it all.
I just can’t care any more. I don’t care
and no one else will care if I don’t care any more. Realistically someone, some
place will give a little bit of a shit but all in all no shits will be given if
I just walk away.
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| This is me, and everyone else. |
I’ve got all these 1st world
problems that wont sort themselves out and a brain that can’t deal with any
more information. My decision-making skills have dropped to the level of “how
far away do I have to go? How much fun will I receive for the amount of effort
that it takes to get there?” At that rate even going down 14 stairs and about 5
feet to go pee ends up not being worth the effort until the idea of sitting in
my own cold pee sounds less appealing than the former.
The only bit of “good news” I got today was
that no matter what my major is no one cares and it will probably have nothing
to do with whatever I end up doing for the rest of my life because my major doesn’t
really matter. Great! So why bother!? Who gives a shit anyway!? People just
want to employ you if you have gone to collage and they don’t give a fuck what
piece of paper you have that says you went to school, you just better have one!
So why have I been spending all this time
worrying and calculating the effort I’ll have to put into the next 3+ years of
schooling if no one cares anyway? I should just take classes that apply to
something that I enjoy so that the next 3 years are full of fun classes….. That
sounds like an art major and we all know what they say about them.
So what does that mean? Where does that
leave me?
That leaves me with a lot of credits,
luckily not in debt (yet) still too many interests and a lot of rocks in my
shoes. This waters getting deep FAST!
My arms are so tired from trying to fly
away that I’m not sure if I’ll be able to swim. I really need a life preserver
right about now and some guidance.
At this sink or swim moment I’m casting off
my anchors and just letting go! I’m done with the crap and the struggling to
stay a float. I’m making my own waves and my own rules now! There is no
stopping me and no telling where I will go- but I can tell you this much: I
will keeping going until I get to where I want to be, and even then I am likely
to keep going just for the sake of keeping life interesting.
I’ve got nothing to lose except this
feeling of being unsure, unhappy and unmotivated. I’m paving my way with self-confidence
and self-assuredness! No matter what I do I will do it because I want to,
because I like it, because it matters to me. My best judgment is the best
judgment because I am the only person I can count on making me happy. Only I can
decide if my life was well lived. Only I can decide if I’m doing the right
thing.
I may not be ready to decide the rest of my
life, but no one is asking me to. I just have to weigh my options and pick the
one that makes me happy- because with happiness as my guide I can’t go wrong.
If I fill my life with things that interest me, challenge me, better me then I
will be doing what’s right for me.
I can do what I love and love what I do, I
just have to keep going until I find it. All the in between stuff is what helps
me get there so it really doesn’t matter what I do but how I do it.
